The Dance of Connection: Understanding Gottman Bids for Attention

One of the most common reasons couples report initially seeking counseling at Village Counseling is because of difficulty with their COMMUNICATION. In the intricate tapestry of relationships, every interaction holds the potential to deepen the bond or create distance. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship experts, have researched to find what is the most defining aspect of if a relationship succeeds. Overwhelmingly the research supported, the concept of bids for attention as a powerful tool for understanding the subtle dance of connection within partnerships. In this exploration, we unravel the significance of Gottman bids and their transformative impact on relationships and give you a cheat sheet to improve your relationships.

1. What Are Gottman Bids?

Gottman bids are invitations, both verbal and non-verbal, that one partner extends to the other. These bids can be as straightforward as a question, a smile, or a comment – essentially, any form of reaching out for connection.

2. Turning Toward, Turning Away, or Turning Against

How a partner responds to a bid becomes crucial. According to the Gottmans, responses fall into three categories: turning toward, turning away, or turning against. Turning toward involves engaging with the bid, showing interest, and responding positively. Turning away is ignoring or dismissing the bid, while turning against involves responding negatively, potentially escalating tension.

3. The Impact of Bids on Emotional Bank Accounts

The Gottmans introduce the concept of an emotional bank account – the sum of positive interactions and bids that build trust and connection. Consistently turning toward bids contributes to a healthy emotional bank account, fostering a strong foundation of mutual understanding and support.

4. Cultivating Awareness and Responsiveness

Building a strong relationship involves cultivating awareness of bids and developing responsiveness. Mindful attention to subtle cues and a willingness to turn toward each other's bids create an environment where connection flourishes.

5. Navigating Challenges Through Bids

During challenging moments, bids become lifelines. Offering bids for reassurance, comfort, or understanding can be a powerful way to navigate difficulties. Responding with empathy and support strengthens the fabric of connection even in the face of adversity.

6. Fostering a Bid-Friendly Environment

Creating a bid-friendly environment involves establishing a culture of responsiveness, where partners actively seek and value each other's bids. This includes acknowledging bids, expressing gratitude, and making intentional efforts to stay attuned to each other's needs.

Conclusion: The Dance Continues

Gottman bids for attention illuminate the intricate dance of connection within relationships. Each bid is an opportunity to nurture intimacy, build trust, and create a shared language of love. By understanding the nuances of bids and cultivating a responsive, bid-friendly environment, couples can embark on a journey of deepening connection and mutual understanding. Let the dance continue, guided by the rhythm of bids that speak the language of love.

For further help in your relationship, consider couples therapy from Village Counseling by contacting us here.